trainspotted

you know how people say don't wish for easier tasks, but wish to be a stronger person. for me, i wish i was weaker, cause god will never give me tasks beyond my ability. if i was weaker, i wouldn't be put in so much hell of a test.

ok, that's not a good example. i know i'm not suppose to think that way but sometimes i can't help it.

the reason i think that way is because when i see my friends, they would probably crumble and give up if they were in my position. no, this time i'm not talking about any relationship problem at all, it's something else. but then again, i know that's just the self-centered me talking. i know very well that everybody has different points of strength and weaknesses. so i would probably crumble too if i were in their position.

still in copeland, coping

i wanted you to be happy and i wanted this to happen. even if i never wanted this to happen it will come sooner or later and i shouldn't act all mooshy and and mope around and stuff cause this really sucks but it really is hard. worst of all, my boyfriend has every right to be pissed off at me at the moment but he isn't. he just isn't. which leads me to even more guilt.

shock therapy bnr2 ni

i wanted to write about my life, my opinions again, my campus life, my new job and stuff. but here i am once again being a hopeless romantic and freaking out all over again over some stupid guy.

i know this is complete crap and none of you may not want to care and some might say i really shouldn't be writing any of this, i can't help it. i want to. and this is much better than me wailing off to my friends live and torturing them by hearing me moan over some guy which i claim to be over with by now.

it's not easy to know that someone who you once cared for really much for has found someone else, has moved on and that you are now just a history. the worst part is imagining the things he use to do to you, or with you, he now does it to the new partner.

this is supposed to be more fair than ever, but it's soooo hard to accept. i'm now here cracking up all by myself and soon i'll probably ruin my laptop's trackpad cause i've been sobbing over it for quiet some time now. 

i couldn't help feeling like a jerk cause this is sooooo unfair to my current boyfriend. sure our relationship is on edge lately and the switch just keeps going on and off continuously. the switch to my feelings and our relationship. i just HATE the fact that i never have found the off button for the previous guy i'm wailing about. it's like, it has a rotating switch instead of an on-and off thing. so all i can do is turn in slightly so that it's almost off, but it's fucking jammed so i can't turn it all the way to the friggin' off.

ok, enough with the switch metaphors. see, i'm writing again. i miss writing. only he can make me write like this. only he can friggin' motivate me to write. my current one somehow doesn't have the power to do so.

god i feel soooo guilty. i wanted to forget all that's in the past, all of it. every stupid second of it. come on it's been YEARSSSSSSS. and yes i am happy with mr. right now but still still still... i had no idea it would feel like this.

it's true he was the one who left me. a thing which he said he regretted, and when i found someone new and didn't say a word to him, it must've felt this shitty. so yeah all's fair.

ok, i think i'm going to stop here. i'm rambling and i'm spilling my personal life too much which isn't a very wise choice.  but have a happy life you too. god bless you, like literally, since you praise the same god and all. and yeah, what a way to put more cheerleaders in my life. making me feel like i'm living some crap teenage drama and all.

god i miss this comfort zone of mine

will update soon! my life feels all wrong without writing. i had no idea where my passion went these past few months :(