Monday, July 16, 2012


I hate the fact that i have to put up for four year a decision i made when i was 18 and didn't have a clue about the world. i hate the fact that i'm probably not going to move out of my parents house until i'm 28. i hate the fact that i have no confidence in getting to a decent university. i hate the fact that i don't know a single student from my major with a GPA lower than mine. i hate the fact that i'm the only person that has to take an extra semester so that i don't graduate with a shitty GPA. i hate the fact that i'm already 4 years into this crap and that there is no more turning back. i hate having to spend every single night regretting the choices i've made. no, no quotes will make me feel better. a few days a go i read, "don't regret the decisions you've made because they are the reasons you are the person you are now." well, if i had taken a much smarter decision, i would be a so much better person. I can't fucking work anywhere 'cause i still have i crappy month of a semester. i hate the fact that my choices are limited because i will have to marry and get kids one day. i hate the fact that i'm already ready to move more than anything but everything around me is friggin' standing still, holding me from moving forward. i hate the fact that i am seriously dumb. i hate the fact that 1 decision had turned out so bad and ended up making me reluctant to make any other decisions. i hate that i'm 22 but live is no difference from i was back in high school.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

4 years of college

so i'm in my last year of college, my last month of college actually. i'll be having my final test on the 25th of july and if i pass than i'm eligible to receive a bachelor's degree. but things have been pretty rough the last four years. college wasn't fun, it wasn't what i had in mind, things pretty much sucked.
i love my friends, i love my campus life but other than those 2, everything else was pretty much crap. i'm not really proud of my achievement through college. i was once 'terancam di-DO' and now, i'm currently terancam lulus dengan IP 2 koma. well looking on the brightside, i guess i'm luckier than a lot people who didn't get to finish college and stuff, but everyone has different measures of failures and success. being in college and terancam DO dan lulus ipk 2,99 is NOT what i expected to happen. i consider it a failure. i know it could've been worse, and i know it's actually not that bad but i to me, it is. I don't let shit like this happen to me. ever. but i guess i was caught off guard and tripped somewhere a long the way.
which makes me think,
this is only the first step, and i've failed. to be extremely honest, i am HORRIFIED to continue my studies to graduate school. i've failed once, i can't guarantee that i won't fail again. i'm MORTIFIED to choose what major i should take for my master's degree cause one more wrong step and i could fall into another hell-hole.

people say, you will regret the thing you didn't do more than the thing you actually did. this is truer than true. when i was in a state of terancam di-DO, i considered transferring to another major. i thought long and hard and i believed that it was a really good decision, one i wouldn't regret nevertheless. but there were soooooooo many what ifs, there were so many, ah nekad ah, ah klo ga keterima tp keburu keluar dari sastra cina gmn, ah tp tanggung ah. i swear the last one was the most annoying out of my many thoughts, tanggung my ass, there was still a year and a half i had to cope with, looking back, i would never have called it tanggung. then in the end i decided to stay and fight, fight for my grades, fight for what i have been fighting the last 3 years, fight for my remaining year and a half in a major i loathe.

now, i'm almost graduating and i admit that to fight and make my way through was the stupidest decision ever. if i had transferred to another major (i was aiming for business administration) i would have learnt something new, i would've been able to get a decent job, i would've been able to graduate with 2 specialties. i would then, move to china to learn more chinese and there i go, the live i could've had but chose not to. it's true what i recently saw in 9gag. shoulda-woulda-coulda, hiding from one little did.